No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

Thanks for agreeing to see me, boss. I wanted to turn in my Annual Review papers and also if I may, explain why I think I deserve a raise. You see, when I first hooked up with this outfit, I was just a simple strainer. Since then, I've moved up to team leader, and quite frankly, I've done a great deal to turn this meth lab around. If you look over at that cardboard covering the window, you'll see that marked on it in bright red, it says, "Accident Free for 3 Days," and that is undeniably an improvement from three days ago, may God rest Carlos' soul. It was my quick thinking that kept Carlos' burning body from getting out of control and threatening the rest of the house. In fact, the only reason we have fire extinguishers is because I suggested it after Leroy wouldn't shut up about how bad his skin grafts itched, day in and day out. I've had to act as shift leader when Duane is "occupied" in the corner of the room more frequently lately....

We all do it. Sometimes a tweet is mediocre. I won't care if it's got a mistake in it. But occasionally, there is a tweet that makes me laugh, literally out loud and it has to be perfect, but in my excitement I fumble through the furious thumb-typing on my phone or iPod and after it's posted, I step back in anticipation and read it for the first time. Lo and behold, a mother fucking, goddamn typo!!! I'm going to discuss the stages I go through when this happens: Stage One: Denial What? No fucking way! I did not just post that with a missing letter! I must be reading this wrong! Stage Two: Anger NO FUCKING WAY!! OMG!! I fucking hate you phone! You stupid piece of shit! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! FML!! Fuck it SO HARD! Stage Three: Bargaining Please, for the love of all that is holy, please let no one have starred that yet!! I will stop swearing at children, if you'd just...no, I can't promise that...I'll stop looking up German porn on Bill's computer at work ...

1:30am It's day three of losing internet connection...I've gotten so desperate for WiFi that I find myself waking up in the middle of the night laying in the college library parking lot clutching my iPad. Three days! It's so cold...so cold. I collect shoes, couch cushions, whatever trash I can find to keep a fire going. It won't be long until we all turn on each other out here. I've sharpened an old toothbrush I found into a shank. I must protect my WiFi at all costs. 2:00am I found a couple unbroken beer bottles not far away. I'll have to use them to store my urine if I'm going to have anything to drink. Already the natives have been circling me, testing my reflexes and perimeter boundaries. I stabbed one in the face but he got away and now I'll have to fashion a new weapon. I'm running low on supplies though. Even as I type this I'm eye-scanning the area and I see a hubcap, a rubber trash can, some broken glass, and what looks like a Wendy...

We all put walls up to keep from being hurt by getting too close to people, just to different extents. I'm the worst one of all. I'm always awkward in sensitive situations and I can't even tell people things they should probably know about me because I cringe at the idea of responding to a sympathetic word. We could analyse my baggage all day, but the end result is always going to be the same: I need to fucking deal with it. My dad is dying of brain cancer. It's such a profound statement. It fills some with overwhelming sympathy, others (like myself) are completely and totally too emotionally crippled to know what to say and we'd even fake a seizure or douse ourselves with gasoline and light a match just to get away from the awkwardness and helpless feelings we conjure. I relate to guys better than girls, save a select awesome few. This is probably because of my intimacy issues and the fact that I love muscle cars, beer, rock 'n roll and John McClane. Some...

Let's run a little comparison between the two scariest types of humanoids, shall we? " Albinism  is associated with a number of vision defects, such as photophobia, nystagmus and astigmatism. Lack of skin pigmentation makes the organism more susceptible to sunburn and skin cancers." (Wikipedia) "A human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. " Gingers " are generally considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against. Gingers are thought to have no souls. The condition, " gingervitis " is genetic and incurable." (Urban Dictionary) Fact #1: Albinism is found outside the human species. In fact, albino animals are worth more to collectors; they are considered " rare " and " valuable ". Gingervitis  is not found outside the human species. They are neither rare, nor valuable. Fact #2: "At least 53 albinos have been killed since 2007 in...

Seriously, giving up is what they want you to do. Since when do you take orders from the sycophants? Did you stop masturbating to your cousin just because your parents told you it was unnatural? NO! Did you stop driving drunk after the second DUI? Hell No! Did you let that restraining order keep you from peering into the windows of your ex-girlfriend? Of Course Not! Did the lock on her door keep you out? Fuck No! Um... I forget where I was going with this... Oh, yeah, don't give up!

It's that time again, campers. Have you planned your romantic evening already or are you, like thousands of others, unsure of how to set the right mood? Well, if you fall into the latter category, I have compiled some valuable tips for you to ensure that you make this VD memorable for you and your date. Music This is the #1 mood setter; don't skimp on this area! Choose something heartfelt and sexy to let her know you've had your eye on her and think she's the one. Don't go with the normal cliché; she'll respond to more original approaches and won't be seduced by something that worked on your mom. Here's a few suggestions to consider: Heartbeat by Don Johnson Sex Farm by Spinal Tap Stay with Me by Faces Tyler by Toadies Rape M e by Nirvana Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches Feva for the Flava by Hot Action Cop These selections show that you're a sensitive-to-her-needs kinda guy. Gifts If you go the gifts route, make sure y...