Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Performance Review

Thanks for agreeing to see me, boss. I wanted to turn in my Annual Review papers and also if I may, explain why I think I deserve a raise. You see, when I first hooked up with this outfit, I was just a simple strainer. Since then, I've moved up to team leader, and quite frankly, I've done a great deal to turn this meth lab around. If you look over at that cardboard covering the window, you'll see that marked on it in bright red, it says, "Accident Free for 3 Days," and that is undeniably an improvement from three days ago, may God rest Carlos' soul. It was my quick thinking that kept Carlos' burning body from getting out of control and threatening the rest of the house. In fact, the only reason we have fire extinguishers is because I suggested it after Leroy wouldn't shut up about how bad his skin grafts itched, day in and day out.

I've had to act as shift leader when Duane is "occupied" in the corner of the room more frequently lately. Just last week, Megan went into labor and Duane wouldn't help me get her to the bathroom. I had to use my "Kiss the Cook" apron to keep the baby-havin juices from getting mixed in with the bleach and ether rags (I would like to submit my reimbursement ticket for that apron, by the way). If I hadn't had Megan's sister's number, Megan wouldn't have been able to return to work as quickly as 15 minutes, either.

I'd also like to point out that I brought better face masks and gloves to the table after my cousin got a sweet deal on that over-turned Sam's Club tractor trailer. My fencing contacts never fail. Well, except for that one time when Markie got busted in the Best Buy parking lot for illegally transporting human organs. There wasn't much I could do about that. Since the new face masks, we've had lower employee turn over and Jay's not had to hide any OD bodies in weeks!

Before I hired on here, there wasn't any health insurance! My swear jar instatement has been the best way of keeping cash on-hand for emergencies. After we beat the dog shit (Oops! See! Another dollar for the swear jar/emergency cash!) out of Sped and Lefty, no one's dared to try and lift it.

In conclusion, I'd like to just say that my dedication to safety and smart thinking will help this little lab go places. You've noticed a larger profit margin and less hassle with employees because of me. Excuse me...(Megan! You've already breast fed that little bastard for 20 minutes! We have product to move! Get your skanky ass back over to the burners!) Sorry, work calls. And now I have to make a deposit in the swear jar. Thanks for your time, boss