It's day three of losing internet connection...I've gotten so desperate for WiFi that I find myself waking up in the middle of the night laying in the college library parking lot clutching my iPad. Three days! It's so cold...so cold. I collect shoes, couch cushions, whatever trash I can find to keep a fire going. It won't be long until we all turn on each other out here. I've sharpened an old toothbrush I found into a shank. I must protect my WiFi at all costs.
I found a couple unbroken beer bottles not far away. I'll have to use them to store my urine if I'm going to have anything to drink. Already the natives have been circling me, testing my reflexes and perimeter boundaries. I stabbed one in the face but he got away and now I'll have to fashion a new weapon. I'm running low on supplies though. Even as I type this I'm eye-scanning the area and I see a hubcap, a rubber trash can, some broken glass, and what looks like a Wendy's drive-thru bag. I'm going to have to venture outside the perimeter to find better parts.
I've seemed to have lost some time...it's still very dark out here and the trail of Tic Tacs I left are missing. I was able to fashion a crude mace out of a broom handle and a can of green beans that I covered in gum and rolled in the broken glass. Now I sit and wait...and watch Netflix and answer e-mails.
It's gotten noisy; I can hear those savages rummaging about in the adjacent alleyways. I have to stay sharp if I'm going to protect the precious signal. Google, don't fail me now! I need to find a video of animal behavior regarding the territorial sentries.
I've done my research and I think that a tough defense is a thick one, so I've decided to take on the territorial traits of several animals. I can't mark my territory with urine, so I'll have to use my scent glands, instead. I'll just rub my armpits about the area. I've been practicing my hissing and howling and I think it's working.
I'm starting to get hungry and my attempts at ordering Dominoes are failing. My battery is getting low and soon I'll have to leave here for sustenance for both myself and my electronic companions. I must set up booby-traps to protect the den. I will return here soon and report my progress.