Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day Tips for Beginners

It's that time again, campers.

Have you planned your romantic evening already or are you, like thousands of others, unsure of how to set the right mood? Well, if you fall into the latter category, I have compiled some valuable tips for you to ensure that you make this VD memorable for you and your date.

Music

This is the #1 mood setter; don't skimp on this area! Choose something heartfelt and sexy to let her know you've had your eye on her and think she's the one. Don't go with the normal cliché; she'll respond to more original approaches and won't be seduced by something that worked on your mom.

Here's a few suggestions to consider:

  • Heartbeat by Don Johnson
  • Sex Farm by Spinal Tap
  • Stay with Me by Faces
  • Tyler by Toadies
  • Rape Me by Nirvana
  • Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches
  • Feva for the Flava by Hot Action Cop
These selections show that you're a sensitive-to-her-needs kinda guy.

Gifts

If you go the gifts route, make sure you're in tune with her likes and dislikes. Worried that you're not? Well, here's a few ideas that are sure to make any woman melt:
  • Lesbian Porn
    What better way to tell her she's hotter when she's making out with another woman? 
  • A Pregnancy Test
    Let her know you're in for the long haul, even if it's your first date.
  • A Picture of your Dick
    Homemade gifts are from the heart and show that you put effort as well as thought into your gift.
  • A Cookbook, Vacuum Cleaner, or Apron, etc.
    Let her know you think domestic life is sexy and that she doesn't have to put on that feminist front with you.
  • A Boa Constrictor
    What better way to show her you think she's exotic?
  • A Plastic Surgery Gift Card
    What girl doesn't love being pampered? 

Activities

OK, so you've got the music picked out, the gift ready, now what? Dinner and a movie? Sure, if she's looking for unoriginality. Romance = spontaneity.
  • A Funeral
    If you can't arrange to go to one of a loved one, a stranger's will work too. It shows her that you know just how precious life really is. 
  • Your AA meeting
    No secrets. Period. 
  • Your NA meeting
    See above. 
  • A Fight Club
    If you don't know where one is, start one. If you can't really know yourself until you fight, then how can you know your partner until you've fought each other? 
  • Children's Cancer Ward
    This is a great place to disclose to her you really want kids. Women love a family-oriented man.

After Activities

You know what I'm talking about. You've finally made it through the easy parts and you're at the crucial stage of the night...what do you do to make it a sure thing? It's a good idea to keep a date night tool kit to keep things interesting.

Essential Accessories:

  • Duct Tape 
  • Two Gerbils 
  • Roofies 
  • Ether 
  • One Spiderman Suit 
  • One Badminton Racket 
  • One Welder's Mask 
  • Four Spools of Baker's Twine 
  • Bengay
These items need no explanation, so get out there and make this the best VD ever!