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I woke up to a text from my friend Mug. I got up, peed, then called her. I could hear in her voice she was an emotional wreck. I listened and tried to console her and when I got off the phone, I felt pretty okay. But later that evening, my true feelings found a way out through alcohol. Kim was always a whirlwind. She thrived on drama. She rescued dogs from cruel owners, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and she drank like she had a vendetta on her liver. I loved her like she was family. And she totally broke my heart. I met Kim on Twitter in 2012. It was a volatile year for me. My dad died in May and I lost my job in August. I used Twitter as an escape into a male character I created: IdaClayer. Kim was PuddingBoobs, a funny account with a cute donkey avatar. We hit it off right away and I was reluctant to tell her I wasn't a dude. I felt like I had been tricking her into imagining me as a funny, flirty guy, but she thought it was awesome that a woman ran that account. We k...
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Best of Craigslist 12-19-16

Real massage (Uniotown area) compensation:  40 an hour cash Lookin 4 lady 2 give real massage nothing weird pat 40 an hour have back and leg prob don't have 2 b professional as long as ur good at it need deep tissue do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers Gospel singers wanted (Clarksburg) compensation:  no pay Starting a gospel group. Talent wanted. No pay to offer but the retirement plan is Heaven. do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers Dance 3 Songs Naked-$100 compensation:  $100 Just what the ad says. Would like to see some nudity and don't want to go out to a club. Will pay $100 if an attractive female would show up and perform a 3 song nude strip-show. If you're interested please send me a pic (clothes on) and when you're free. This is a serious ad and im looking for nothing more than the ad states. So please do not respond just to ask questions and only if you're serious. do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or ...
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That Time I Saw a Hooker at a Sports Bar

A Horror Story Gather around, children, I want to tell you about the time I saw a hooker at Kegler's. It was after a WVU game and I'd finished having dinner with the fiancé's family at Los.  I remember it well, because Eric had just told me that there were people that wanted to meet me (and that is a pretty rare occasion, so I figured I'd go and see how things played out before I shat on someone's expectations) and we headed over to Kegler's Sports Bar and Lounge . Now, Kegler's isn't a high class place, so I had no trouble getting in, but the place was packed post-game with already drunk people looking to get drunker and the staff was not having us crash a table when other people were waiting, so we had to take turns sitting in chairs in shifts so I could meet Eric's long-time friends, Jacob and Andy. Usually it takes me three beers to slip into my charming mode, so I worked on that while anxiously noting how awkwardly quiet the table was and...
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White Woman's Burden

Self-employed to avoid seeing my credit destroyed But my transmission needs a technician to put her into remission So the decision is given on the condition the acquisition of taxes be evacuated and my W9 allocation eradicated Unplanned but three grand quickly turns into cash-in-hand And I had just brand a piece of land, you understand? Now shit's getting tighter than your sisters before rough riders No pedicures, no obscure liqueur, no couture, register your check with your creditor I assure, the allure in the brochure for breadwinner is non-sequitur Wear and tear got zephyr in my underwear IRS don't care Gotta snare coupons just to cut my hair IRS don't care Price compare to save on bus fare IRS don't care Well now I'm moved but my mood's not improved as my ego is bruised Get a post office paper makes me a most nauseous neighbor 911 mapping got me done spun and gasping, undone my signed wrapping of address changing madness ranging from AmE...
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Getting to Know your Penis

A Practical Guide for the Adolescent Male circa 1953 Hello and welcome to Getting to Know your Penis . This is where we'll be introducing you to your penis and the magical things that allow your penis function not only as a sex organ, but also expel waste! Pretty cool, eh? Your penis is terribly efficient! Section 1: Boners Now, you're probably wondering about boners. You've probably heard your mom mention them when she talks about work. What are boners? Are they made of bone? No, friend, the human body has 206 bones in its body, but the penis does not contain any bones. When you're born, you had 270 bones in your body, but most of those fused into other bones and some were removed at your bris by Glenda the Snake Woman. Isn't that fascinating? So if your boner contains zero bones, what makes it rigid when you rub it against teen girls on the bus? Well, scooter, the answer might surprise you: no one really knows! There are just some questions that scien...
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In response to #YesAllWomen

A few years ago, in an attempt to be more active while also leaving my house (I lived in a particularly toxic and volatile situation), I decided to walk a couple miles in my neighborhood every day. This was short-lived, not because I was lazy, unmotivated or because I lost interest, this was because I was consistently harassed while simply keeping to myself and walking through the main drag of town. The first day was the least scary, since I only had to endure having garbage thrown at me from a passing vehicle. Fucking tossers. The second day was worse, when a guy stalked me in his car, circling me and pulling in to parking spaces to shout and whistle at me. He drove up and back a few times, as he was optimistic/persistent/scary/forceful/threatening. I didn't even acknowledge his presence, and the third time he tried to turn his car around to give it another go, I ducked down two parallel streets just to avoid him, knowing full well that if he found me again, this time it ...
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Presenting "Alternative for Amazon Prime Air"

A guest post by @joedonbaker I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts. Remember, kids, this guy will cut you. *He submitted this to me 12/8/13, so I'm pretty terrible at posting things quick enough to keep them current. Alternative for Amazon Prime Air I love Amazon Prime. For just pennies a day, I can have things delivered right to my door in two days. For a few bucks per item, I can have things sent OVERNIGHT. I could have this amazing multi-speed blue vibrating anal plug at my doorstop TOMORROW. The future truly is now. Amazon is a pretty ambitious company. They now sell consumer electronics at competitive prices. Of course their hope is that you’ll sign up for Prime and dive balls deep into their ‘ecosystem.’ Amazon is currently trying to solve their biggest demand: Same day delivery, because I just have to have that vibrating anal plug RIGHT NOW. Shipping companies like UPS and FEDEX just aren’t...
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