White Woman's Burden

Self-employed to avoid seeing my credit destroyed
But my transmission needs a technician to put her into remission
So the decision is given on the condition the acquisition of taxes
be evacuated and my W9 allocation eradicated
Unplanned but three grand quickly turns into cash-in-hand
And I had just brand a piece of land, you understand?
Now shit's getting tighter than your sisters before rough riders
No pedicures, no obscure liqueur, no couture, register your check with your creditor
I assure, the allure in the brochure for breadwinner is non-sequitur

Wear and tear got zephyr in my underwear
IRS don't care
Gotta snare coupons just to cut my hair
IRS don't care
Price compare to save on bus fare
IRS don't care

Well now I'm moved but my mood's not improved as my ego is bruised
Get a post office paper makes me a most nauseous neighbor
911 mapping got me done spun and gasping, undone my signed wrapping
of address changing madness ranging from AmEx and 401K to IRS and Lincoln National Corporation
New driver's license in the box now is this rider's crisis walks in how priceless these cocks been
Exam time off requested bye bye to vacation vested damn jerk-offs got my patience tested
DMV lines are packed with mouth-breathing jaws slacked and chimes say the wait times capped
Sorry, bro, you need utilities to show you pay the bills at that address though
What? The utilities can't find the old one, even thought my facilities might be stolen
Well while you remedy that, clear the isle, no clemency here, scat

Address is broken insurin' my accounts are frozen
Post Office don't care
Back taxes are defaulting and my groceries are halting
Post Office don't care
New ID I just got was all for naught
Post Office don't care

Gingers vs. Albinos

Let's run a little comparison between the two scariest types of humanoids, shall we? " Albinism is associated with a number of vision defects, such as photophobia, nystagmus and astigmatism. Lack of skin pigmentation makes the organism more susceptible to sunburn and skin cancers." (Wikipedia) "A human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. " Gingers " are generally considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against. Gingers are thought to have no souls. The condition, " gingervitis " is genetic and incurable." (Urban Dictionary) Fact #1: Albinism is found outside the human species. In fact, albino animals are worth more to collectors; they are considered " rare " and " valuable ". Gingervitis is not found outside the human species. They are neither rare, nor valuable. Fact #2: "At least 53 albinos have been killed since 2007 in...

I woke up to a text from my friend Mug. I got up, peed, then called her. I could hear in her voice she was an emotional wreck. I listened and tried to console her and when I got off the phone, I felt pretty okay. But later that evening, my true feelings found a way out through alcohol. Kim was always a whirlwind. She thrived on drama. She rescued dogs from cruel owners, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and she drank like she had a vendetta on her liver. I loved her like she was family. And she totally broke my heart. I met Kim on Twitter in 2012. It was a volatile year for me. My dad died in May and I lost my job in August. I used Twitter as an escape into a male character I created: IdaClayer. Kim was PuddingBoobs, a funny account with a cute donkey avatar. We hit it off right away and I was reluctant to tell her I wasn't a dude. I felt like I had been tricking her into imagining me as a funny, flirty guy, but she thought it was awesome that a woman ran that account. We k...

Getting to Know your Penis

A Practical Guide for the Adolescent Male circa 1953 Hello and welcome to Getting to Know your Penis . This is where we'll be introducing you to your penis and the magical things that allow your penis function not only as a sex organ, but also expel waste! Pretty cool, eh? Your penis is terribly efficient! Section 1: Boners Now, you're probably wondering about boners. You've probably heard your mom mention them when she talks about work. What are boners? Are they made of bone? No, friend, the human body has 206 bones in its body, but the penis does not contain any bones. When you're born, you had 270 bones in your body, but most of those fused into other bones and some were removed at your bris by Glenda the Snake Woman. Isn't that fascinating? So if your boner contains zero bones, what makes it rigid when you rub it against teen girls on the bus? Well, scooter, the answer might surprise you: no one really knows! There are just some questions that scien...

No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

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