Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Presenting "Alternative for Amazon Prime Air"

A guest post by @joedonbaker

I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts.

Remember, kids, this guy will cut you.
*He submitted this to me 12/8/13, so I'm pretty terrible at posting things quick enough to keep them current.

Alternative for Amazon Prime Air

I love Amazon Prime. For just pennies a day, I can have things delivered right to my door in two days. For a few bucks per item, I can have things sent OVERNIGHT. I could have this amazing multi-speed blue vibrating anal plug at my doorstop TOMORROW. The future truly is now. Amazon is a pretty ambitious company. They now sell consumer electronics at competitive prices. Of course their hope is that you’ll sign up for Prime and dive balls deep into their ‘ecosystem.’ Amazon is currently trying to solve their biggest demand: Same day delivery, because I just have to have that vibrating anal plug RIGHT NOW. Shipping companies like UPS and FEDEX just aren’t setup for this sort of rapid delivery. Amazon’s latest idea to solve this is to use UN-MANNED AERIAL DRONES to deliver parcels right to your doorstep. There’s one huge problem with that that I’m sure you thought of as well:


Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs...
I do not want to keep checking the skies above me for a drone because my retarded neighbor just had to have The Big Bang Theory: The Complete Fifth Season the same day. This is a pretty big deal breaker and I’m not sure how they would solve this. Even a 1% failure rate is unacceptable.

This is of course where I come in with a few alternatives to drones. These are either safer or more cost effective ideas for near instant gratification Amazon style.

Homeless People

Sale at Macy's!

I like this idea for a few reasons. It helps stimulate the post-recession economy by providing jobs. The number of homeless people in a given city is proportionate to the population of said city. In theory a town already has enough homeless people to properly cover it properly. Homeless people also come with shopping carts included so they can deliver more than one package per delivery run. Homeless people know their respective cities well from years of living on the streets. They can quickly deliver parcels as they know the best routes. The only downside to homeless people is alcohol. Once they get that first paycheck it will no doubt be blown on malt liquor which will cause them to be late for next day’s work. I’m sensing a pattern here with homeless people.

Project Thor

If you’ve played the *latest* installment of Call of Duty Brown People Killing Simulator Part 21 you’ve seen a common weapon used in sci-fi movies: orbital bombardment. The idea is to construct some sort of weapons platform in space that shoots a projectile at a super high speed. At such high speeds said projectile can cause catastrophic damage. Turns out, THIS SHIT IS REAL. Instead of using this to kill terrorists taking away mah freedum, couldn’t we use these satellites to deliver packages. It’s easy. Amazon just needs warehouses in space, which I’m sure is on their drawing board somewhere. Once the satellite is positioned above your house, the package can just be ‘shot’ to your doorstep. Of course, one simple miscalculation and the package could literally destroy your house or wipe out humanity as the impact plunges Earth into the next ice age.
Hey, I can see your house from here!

Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport (S.A.I.N.T.)

You might know these better as ‘those cute murder robots from the Steve Guttenberg vehicle Short Circuit.’ While the original project was aborted because one of them had to go ahead and gain sentience, there’s still a huge amount of potential in these laser cannon wielding robots. Their treads will let them traverse even the harshest terrains. Their batteries appear to last forever so they could conceivably work 24/7 to deliver packages. The built-in weapons will keep packages safe in transit, a worry I have with Amazon Prime Air. One big problem is how to solve the problem of lightning strikes turning them into awful joke telling robots who refuse to be disassembled.

Once that happens, no doubt they will refuse to deliver packages and they’ll demand some sort of rights. Hell, if they let one become a U.S. citizen I guess they’d have to let them all. Figure that one out, NOVA Robotics, and Amazon will make you rich.

What do we want? Rights for robots! When do we want it?  KILL ALL HUMANS