Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Not So FAQs

I get a lot of questions because I'm branded as a straight-shooter with no filters (this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to). Considering that many people don't feel that they can ask questions because maybe it's a taboo subject, or just simply none of their business, we fail to learn as much as we can about the human condition. I'm going to post some of the less boring questions I've been asked.

Q:


If you were trapped in an elevator for days with a woman who had given birth recently, would you suckle from her to avoid dehydration??

A:


Um, hell yes?


Do it for the story. You can tell everyone later she was hot, they'll never be the wiser. And I hear breast milk is sweet and full of vitamins. Unlike those vicious rumors going around about sperm. THOSE AREN'T NUTRITIOUS PROTEINS; STOP BELIEVING HIS LIES!

Q:

What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your vagina?

A:

...A dick?

Seriously, look at a dick. It's weird and veiny and sometimes it leaks.
LOOK AT IT!!!

Q:

Ever trip balls?

A:

Yesh.

I used to hallucinate on cannabis. My brain never could handle the small stuff. The visual hallucinogenic effects eventually became rare, but auditory ones lingered. I thought I was sitting on top of a mountain once when in reality, I was in the passenger seat of a Jeep Cherokee. I confused all that hotbox smoke for mountaintop fog. And later that same night, in that same Jeep, I was listening to Soundgarden's My Wave. You know that trippy part where he sings in rounds with himself? Yeah, when that happened, the windshield wipers stopped mid-swipe, and the bridge we were driving toward with the yellow flashing lights never got any closer. I started having an anxiety attack since I had suddenly found myself inevitably frozen in time. Someone punched me in the shoulder when I'm guessing I didn't respond to a question I couldn't hear and I snapped out of it. Probably should have deterred me from smoking pot, right? Not if you're fucking stupid, which I was.

The next time I messed with hallucinogens was traveling to friends of a friend's with my shitty roommate and drug-dealing boss in tow. These friends of a friend's were two very unique individuals; I don't remember names, but the boyfriend had three first names and he kept his blonde hair straight and long to match his girlfriend's. If you came up from behind them, you could never tell them apart, especially when he was carrying her purse. I'd never eaten magic mushrooms before and I really expected to have a coronary from a t-rex tearing through the ceiling and eating my boss' head.

Could I have a glass of water? No, I'm not thirsty; just want to be prepared.

With this expectation in mind, I unwrapped the foil from a bar of chocolate covered 'shrooms, I settled in on the couch and politely requested that we stop watching Faces of Death IV. The hosts put on Fritz the Cat instead. Not interested in cartoon porn, I zoned out and convinced myself I was God, because why not? I truly believed I would live forever, never again would I be held back by human needs. I could see the planets revolving in space and found that I could manipulate time and physics. I felt so relaxed, so independent and warm. Again, I was punched in the shoulder and asked to snap out of it. As I looked at the shiny, gossamer toy I'd been handed, my roommate made her way back from the bathroom. Apparently she'd left during my contemplations to watch the goldfish swim on the cheap, vinyl shower curtain.

But what if this had been the shower curtain??

"Hey, guys! I totally thought there was a guy in the bathroom floor! This shit is awesome!"
"That's Rudy. He was our cab driver. He's sleeping off a hangover."
"...Fuck. That's a real dude lying on the floor I pissed in front of?!"

Well, at least I didn't hallucinate hallucinating.

I asked to be dropped off at my apartment so I could be alone. I had stopped visually hallucinating and the auditory was getting stronger and stronger. I couldn't get the crowd of voices to stop. It felt like I was in the middle of a company mixer. No words were discernible, it was just a crowded room sound effect turned all the way up. This had happened to me once before when my fever was above 103°.

I woke up naked and on the floor. Probably should have deterred me from eating 'shrooms again, right?

Q:

What's the best revenge you ever got on an ex?

A:

He slept face-first in another guy's splooge.

To be fair, he wouldn't get his ass in gear to refinance the house we shared so I could move out and on with my life. For over a year. If he didn't think it was realistic for me to expect him to let go, then it was not realistic of him to expect me to change the sheets and pillowcases post-coitus.

Q:

Ever meet any weirdos from the internet?

A:

Does a bear shit in the Pope's hat?


Duh.

Sooooooo many. Let's see, one dude pissed in my guest bed after being a total ass to my guests while shit-faced and laughed it off, another guy sent me a dick pic where he'd drawn a smiley face on the head, one guy sent me a video of him air French kissing at the web cam (he also told me I was cheating on him with my boyfriend even though he and I had never so much as even exchanged numbers), and let's not forget the guy who DM'd me on Twitter to ask how much I'd charge to piss on his chest...

Q:

Ever poop standing up?

A:

Not yet.