Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Stupid Icon Calendar Holidays.

A Personal Rant.

Lincoln's Birthday

If you take a look at your calendar, and I'm sure you do because that little voice says, "Fuck my eyes, that stupid, goddamn Valentine's Day is in two mother-fucking weeks." Well, before you freak out about missing that opportunity to take a whore to Applebee's, let's take a gander at the 12th, which is Abraham Mother-fucking Lincoln's observed birthmus.
Abe Lincoln
This is as good as it gets, bitches.
That's right, we still celebrate the first Republican Party President's observed birthday. We celebrate Washington's, but that makes more sense. First off, because he wasn't a republican, but secondly, because he was the first president. This isn't even Lincoln's actual birthday, what makes Lincoln so special?

"Lincoln Freed the Slaves!" you say. O.K., sure, I'll give you that, but read this quote:
“I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything.”1
That's a quote from Michael Richards. Hahaha! Just kidding, that was Lincoln, baby!  He was what as known today as 'racist as fuck'. That is correct, we celebrate a racist's birthday during Black History Month.

Columbus Day

This day would make more sense if it were Columbus, Ohio Day. This asshole isn't even American, pro-America, or sexy.

Christopher Columbus
This isn't even a real portrait. Never had one commissioned in his lifetime. So basically, everyone assumed he was this ugly-ass dude.
They lied to us all the time in public school. Mostly about that guy ↑ with little gems like "Christopher Columbus discovered America!" or "He was brave because everyone thought the world was flat!"
How does one 'discover' a continent that is already inhabited? That's like me walking into my neighbor's house and claiming I discovered the couch he was sitting on then call it the discovery of New Couchland.

Also, no one believed the world was flat. As kids, we believe this because we're stupid. Then as adults we believe this because we see so many stupid people in the populace. Thing is, anyone can see the curvature of the Earth when they stand on the shore and look at the ocean. Even peasants. Columbus knew he wouldn't fall of the edge of the Earth, and if he was like most captains, he knew the amount of supplies he had, making it possible to judge how far he could get before he was at the point of no return, or what I like to call "super fucked." So I guess you could say he was brave for going that far having no idea of whether or not he would hit land for sure, but you could also argue that he was suicidal, or considering he had three ships with crews, homicidal/suicidal.

Let's also not forget that the man brought syphilis to Europe2 and small pox to the 'new world.'

In conclusion, maybe we should just stop celebrating people on the calendar. Because I'll just make fun of them.

Fourth Debate with Stephen A. Douglas at Charleston, Illinois, September 18, 1858
(The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume III, pp. 145-146.)
Did Columbus Bring Syphilis to Europe? New Study Says Yes