Friday, January 18, 2013

How to get your House Cleaned for Free

Do you share a house, apartment, or office with someone? Are they a fucking douche bag? Do they take advantage of you cleaning the place a little too much? Do you have fantasies of murdering them with a hammer and dumping the remains in a mine shaft because of it? Here's a solution I have tested personally that will keep you from murder charges, with one caveat: patience is essential.

Step 1:

"Borrow" something semi-valuable of their's.

Be smart about it; nothing too big, but something that they can't replace as easily. Think 'key to a safe,' 'lucky coin' or maybe something with sentimental value, like pictorial evidence that they fucked 75 year old Gertrude when they were wasted.

In most cases, this is all about timing. If they travel frequently, you can get away with snagging a favorite pair of shoes or cuff links. The broader the item, the broader the effect, too-- take away a favorite kitchen item, get the kitchen cleaned, but take away something usually carried on their person, get the whole place cleaned. The fixation of the object determines the effort you'll mindfuck out of them. Even habitual slobs will bust their ass looking for something they think they can't afford to lose.

Step 2:

Hold on to it.

For a long time. Long enough for them to forget about it or give up ever seeing it again. If they are a chronic stoner, that's quicker than you think. The smaller the item, the easier it is to conceal. The easier it is to conceal, the more chance you'll forget about it, too, thus making the percentage of a success go up.

Step 3:

Give it back.

Say you found it somewhere weird like under the couch or in the recycled paper bin or whatever good lie you can come up with. Or don't say anything at all if you suck at lying. Shit sometimes appears out of nowhere, right?

Step 4:

Take it again.

Make it soon. Within a week of giving it back. If they ask about it, lie through your teeth. It's pretty easy to lie about whether you've seen the item or not. A quick and dirty "nope" should do the trick. Maybe throw in a shrug if you're into that. I personally like the distraction method where you bring up something you're missing as well. You might even get away without answering if you do it right. But really, if you can't handle this part, just go ahead and face palm for Jesus because you're in the wrong place.

Step 5:

Enjoy yourself.*

Relish having the place cleaned and organized as they try to find the thing you stole again. And you are welcome.

*The author would like to note that whether or not you ever give the item back for good is up to the social scientist because she personally doesn't care if you're an asshole or not.