Skip to main content

How to get your House Cleaned for Free

Do you share a house, apartment, or office with someone? Are they a fucking douche bag? Do they take advantage of you cleaning the place a little too much? Do you have fantasies of murdering them with a hammer and dumping the remains in a mine shaft because of it? Here's a solution I have tested personally that will keep you from murder charges, with one caveat: patience is essential.

Step 1:

"Borrow" something semi-valuable of their's.

Be smart about it; nothing too big, but something that they can't replace as easily. Think 'key to a safe,' 'lucky coin' or maybe something with sentimental value, like pictorial evidence that they fucked 75 year old Gertrude when they were wasted.

In most cases, this is all about timing. If they travel frequently, you can get away with snagging a favorite pair of shoes or cuff links. The broader the item, the broader the effect, too-- take away a favorite kitchen item, get the kitchen cleaned, but take away something usually carried on their person, get the whole place cleaned. The fixation of the object determines the effort you'll mindfuck out of them. Even habitual slobs will bust their ass looking for something they think they can't afford to lose.

Step 2:

Hold on to it.

For a long time. Long enough for them to forget about it or give up ever seeing it again. If they are a chronic stoner, that's quicker than you think. The smaller the item, the easier it is to conceal. The easier it is to conceal, the more chance you'll forget about it, too, thus making the percentage of a success go up.

Step 3:

Give it back.

Say you found it somewhere weird like under the couch or in the recycled paper bin or whatever good lie you can come up with. Or don't say anything at all if you suck at lying. Shit sometimes appears out of nowhere, right?

Step 4:

Take it again.

Make it soon. Within a week of giving it back. If they ask about it, lie through your teeth. It's pretty easy to lie about whether you've seen the item or not. A quick and dirty "nope" should do the trick. Maybe throw in a shrug if you're into that. I personally like the distraction method where you bring up something you're missing as well. You might even get away without answering if you do it right. But really, if you can't handle this part, just go ahead and face palm for Jesus because you're in the wrong place.

Step 5:

Enjoy yourself.*

Relish having the place cleaned and organized as they try to find the thing you stole again. And you are welcome.


*The author would like to note that whether or not you ever give the item back for good is up to the social scientist because she personally doesn't care if you're an asshole or not.

Popular posts from this blog

Gingers vs. Albinos

Let's run a little comparison between the two scariest types of humanoids, shall we? " Albinism  is associated with a number of vision defects, such as photophobia, nystagmus and astigmatism. Lack of skin pigmentation makes the organism more susceptible to sunburn and skin cancers." (Wikipedia) "A human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. " Gingers " are generally considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against. Gingers are thought to have no souls. The condition, " gingervitis " is genetic and incurable." (Urban Dictionary) Fact #1: Albinism is found outside the human species. In fact, albino animals are worth more to collectors; they are considered " rare " and " valuable ". Gingervitis  is not found outside the human species. They are neither rare, nor valuable. Fact #2: "At least 53 albinos have been killed since 2007 in...

Day 3

1:30am It's day three of losing internet connection...I've gotten so desperate for WiFi that I find myself waking up in the middle of the night laying in the college library parking lot clutching my iPad. Three days! It's so cold...so cold. I collect shoes, couch cushions, whatever trash I can find to keep a fire going. It won't be long until we all turn on each other out here. I've sharpened an old toothbrush I found into a shank. I must protect my WiFi at all costs. 2:00am I found a couple unbroken beer bottles not far away. I'll have to use them to store my urine if I'm going to have anything to drink. Already the natives have been circling me, testing my reflexes and perimeter boundaries. I stabbed one in the face but he got away and now I'll have to fashion a new weapon. I'm running low on supplies though. Even as I type this I'm eye-scanning the area and I see a hubcap, a rubber trash can, some broken glass, and what looks like a Wendy...
I woke up to a text from my friend Mug. I got up, peed, then called her. I could hear in her voice she was an emotional wreck. I listened and tried to console her and when I got off the phone, I felt pretty okay. But later that evening, my true feelings found a way out through alcohol. Kim was always a whirlwind. She thrived on drama. She rescued dogs from cruel owners, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and she drank like she had a vendetta on her liver. I loved her like she was family. And she totally broke my heart. I met Kim on Twitter in 2012. It was a volatile year for me. My dad died in May and I lost my job in August. I used Twitter as an escape into a male character I created: IdaClayer. Kim was PuddingBoobs, a funny account with a cute donkey avatar. We hit it off right away and I was reluctant to tell her I wasn't a dude. I felt like I had been tricking her into imagining me as a funny, flirty guy, but she thought it was awesome that a woman ran that account. We k...