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Showing posts from July, 2011

Performance Review

Thanks for agreeing to see me, boss. I wanted to turn in my Annual Review papers and also if I may, explain why I think I deserve a raise. You see, when I first hooked up with this outfit, I was just a simple strainer. Since then, I've moved up to team leader, and quite frankly, I've done a great deal to turn this meth lab around. If you look over at that cardboard covering the window, you'll see that marked on it in bright red, it says, "Accident Free for 3 Days," and that is undeniably an improvement from three days ago, may God rest Carlos' soul. It was my quick thinking that kept Carlos' burning body from getting out of control and threatening the rest of the house. In fact, the only reason we have fire extinguishers is because I suggested it after Leroy wouldn't shut up about how bad his skin grafts itched, day in and day out. I've had to act as shift leader when Duane is "occupied" in the corner of the room more frequently lately....

Kübler-Ross Model: Typos in Tweets

We all do it. Sometimes a tweet is mediocre. I won't care if it's got a mistake in it. But occasionally, there is a tweet that makes me laugh, literally out loud and it has to be perfect, but in my excitement I fumble through the furious thumb-typing on my phone or iPod and after it's posted, I step back in anticipation and read it for the first time. Lo and behold, a mother fucking, goddamn typo!!! I'm going to discuss the stages I go through when this happens: Stage One: Denial What? No fucking way! I did not just post that with a missing letter! I must be reading this wrong! Stage Two: Anger NO FUCKING WAY!! OMG!! I fucking hate you phone! You stupid piece of shit! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! FML!! Fuck it SO HARD! Stage Three: Bargaining Please, for the love of all that is holy, please let no one have starred that yet!! I will stop swearing at children, if you'd just...no, I can't promise that...I'll stop looking up German porn on Bill's computer at work ...