Friday, June 28, 2013

What I Learned from Online Dating

The Fear Sets In...

At some point in your life, if you're like me, you'll find yourself single and bored. Most of your friends are married by now and some of them have kids. The rest of your friends are busy with work or buying a home or still appealing that court conviction, I don't know. Who can keep up? The point is, when you find yourself in that situation, your options are super limited. You work with old guys, married guys, and too young guys. And who the fuck wants to go out alone? What if some weirdo approaches me at the bar? I barely have enough roofies for myself, thank you. Eventually you give in (or up, not sure) and try online dating. After all, it IS free, right? And you get to screen your suitors! Win-win, bitches, amirite? Well... not exactly. I feel like it is incumbent upon me to share my ups (there weren't any) and downs with my experiences. I sifted through the crazy so you didn't have to.

Men Think they are God's Gift to Me

(Misogyny isn't a River in Egypt.)

Hey gurl, did you fall from Heaven?
Cuz your face is all fucked up.
Not long after joining, I got a message from a guy who desperately wanted to know what made me special enough to get to know. That's right, he wanted to know what I had to offer him. Since this wasn't the Sudan, I certainly wasn't taking any shit from a dude who wears his t-shirt in the pool. I responded to him. I figured no one else would explain in such detail how stupid and self-entitled he was. It wasn't like he was hot or anything.

The single guys aren't the only ones that are desperate, either. The ones granted an open relationship are just as bad if not worse. They've got a chick already and they are dying to know what makes you good enough to be their numero dos. Yes, you read that right. Maybe you are part Mexican.

Numero dos?? Gee, I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some chick who is totally fine with being second chair, but I'm not looking for mediocre sex with a guy who has to leave right after to go pick up his wife from her shift at the pub. I'll let you know if I ever lose all my self esteem in a brain trauma related accident though, thanks.

Looking for Friends Only

(Hint, it's a Lie.)

Well, if he merged with his car...
I went out on four dates last Summer. The first one was just a "friend date" and his pics were true to life. He was a model and a body builder. Did I mention that's all he did? No jobs to speak of besides modeling for an art class.

He rented out his apartment during the Summer and crashed at his mom's to save money. He was a bit quirky; his entire car was painted Slimer-green with exterior house paint. Also, he didn't drink, eat out or take drugs, leaving very little to do without being creative. A few times he did ask me to go swimming in the river and promised that his friend Corey only got one yeast infection from the water. Oh, and he invited me to a hotdog eating contest (he was a judge), but he forgot to call and confirm. Bummer.

We met a few times in person and made plans to watch A Serbian Film together (so I could observe him cry like a girl), but once I got a job, I couldn't keep up with his whirlwind, jet-set schedule of working out, playing Settlers of Catan, and sleeping. He ended our relationship after accusing me of being another Sarah that was crazy, then apologizing and saying, "Is there really any chemistry here?" That's right. I was friend-dumped by a hobo.

Picture's Worth a Thousand Lies

(This Pic was Taken on Kodachrome.)

The third date I ventured out on was so promising. He was semi-attractive, witty and kept up with my sense of humor, see below:
Names have been blurred out to protect the crazy.
Here's the photo he posted as his profile image:
Viva la chest hair!
Here's the pic I took of him on his porch:
Redefining sexy one stain at a time.
And here's the pic the cops took at his booking:
I can't make this shit up.
Just to round things out, here's some pictures of his house:
Toilet brushes are for pussies.
I was ransacked! All my clean stuff was stolen!
Watch out for debris. And needles.

Burned Agains

(And They have no Idea what 'Red Flag' Means)

This is also my
dick-in-the-zipper face.
Out of the clump OKC has chosen carefully (with mathematics, kids) according to "match", "friend" and "enemy" percentages, you get a handful of nerds, a sprinkling of Christian Mingle stragglers, and a shit ton of "she burned me" guys. These 'burned agains' don't seem to notice how obvious it is that they aren't over their ex nor do they think it's tacky to go on at length about their expectations of what a "good woman" is. No thanks. If I wanted a lecture on double standards, I'd take a Women's Study course. At least that one would be more accurate.

I'm no psychology whiz, but my guess would be that these guys have no business putting themselves out there in the dating pool. Any girl with half a mind would see his summary and move on. No one volunteers to pay for the sins of the former lover. In the words of Kanye West, "That shit cray." And he would know. He would know.

Bitches be Trippin'

(Or How Men are the Crazier Sex)

Sometimes I bark at squirrels.
I've heard most of my adult life how "bitches are crazy" and I have to agree. Only the "bitches" are male.

I've been pestered, accosted, lied to, blown off, shunned and propositioned. I've made plans a handful of times only to be ignored and blown off without a whiff of explanation. Even after meeting some guys and having an OK time, they never returned my texts or called me after. That's right, guys can fake it, too. All night long.

I've also been harassed by a nineteen year old who wouldn't take "abso-fucking-lutely not" for an answer. It's great you love your job at Wal-Mart, but the whole living with your parents thing is too sexy for me to handle. I'm sure you understand.

No matter how irrational women have been branded, I can do you one better about a dude just from personal experience or from anecdotal goldmines from close friends. Once they figure out you aren't there to put out, they lose interest. If they consider you more successful or more intelligent, they scamper from intimidation. Wait, Sarah, are you saying guys are flighty and temperamental?? What does that mean?! It means what you knew already; bitches are crazy.