No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

I woke up to a text from my friend Mug. I got up, peed, then called her. I could hear in her voice she was an emotional wreck. I listened and tried to console her and when I got off the phone, I felt pretty okay. But later that evening, my true feelings found a way out through alcohol. Kim was always a whirlwind. She thrived on drama. She rescued dogs from cruel owners, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and she drank like she had a vendetta on her liver. I loved her like she was family. And she totally broke my heart. I met Kim on Twitter in 2012. It was a volatile year for me. My dad died in May and I lost my job in August. I used Twitter as an escape into a male character I created: IdaClayer. Kim was PuddingBoobs, a funny account with a cute donkey avatar. We hit it off right away and I was reluctant to tell her I wasn't a dude. I felt like I had been tricking her into imagining me as a funny, flirty guy, but she thought it was awesome that a woman ran that account. We k...

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A Horror Story Gather around, children, I want to tell you about the time I saw a hooker at Kegler's. It was after a WVU game and I'd finished having dinner with the fiancé's family at Los.  I remember it well, because Eric had just told me that there were people that wanted to meet me (and that is a pretty rare occasion, so I figured I'd go and see how things played out before I shat on someone's expectations) and we headed over to Kegler's Sports Bar and Lounge . Now, Kegler's isn't a high class place, so I had no trouble getting in, but the place was packed post-game with already drunk people looking to get drunker and the staff was not having us crash a table when other people were waiting, so we had to take turns sitting in chairs in shifts so I could meet Eric's long-time friends, Jacob and Andy. Usually it takes me three beers to slip into my charming mode, so I worked on that while anxiously noting how awkwardly quiet the table was and...

Self-employed to avoid seeing my credit destroyed But my transmission needs a technician to put her into remission So the decision is given on the condition the acquisition of taxes be evacuated and my W9 allocation eradicated Unplanned but three grand quickly turns into cash-in-hand And I had just brand a piece of land, you understand? Now shit's getting tighter than your sisters before rough riders No pedicures, no obscure liqueur, no couture, register your check with your creditor I assure, the allure in the brochure for breadwinner is non-sequitur Wear and tear got zephyr in my underwear IRS don't care Gotta snare coupons just to cut my hair IRS don't care Price compare to save on bus fare IRS don't care Well now I'm moved but my mood's not improved as my ego is bruised Get a post office paper makes me a most nauseous neighbor 911 mapping got me done spun and gasping, undone my signed wrapping of address changing madness ranging from AmE...

A Practical Guide for the Adolescent Male circa 1953 Hello and welcome to Getting to Know your Penis . This is where we'll be introducing you to your penis and the magical things that allow your penis function not only as a sex organ, but also expel waste! Pretty cool, eh? Your penis is terribly efficient! Section 1: Boners Now, you're probably wondering about boners. You've probably heard your mom mention them when she talks about work. What are boners? Are they made of bone? No, friend, the human body has 206 bones in its body, but the penis does not contain any bones. When you're born, you had 270 bones in your body, but most of those fused into other bones and some were removed at your bris by Glenda the Snake Woman. Isn't that fascinating? So if your boner contains zero bones, what makes it rigid when you rub it against teen girls on the bus? Well, scooter, the answer might surprise you: no one really knows! There are just some questions that scien...

A few years ago, in an attempt to be more active while also leaving my house (I lived in a particularly toxic and volatile situation), I decided to walk a couple miles in my neighborhood every day. This was short-lived, not because I was lazy, unmotivated or because I lost interest, this was because I was consistently harassed while simply keeping to myself and walking through the main drag of town. The first day was the least scary, since I only had to endure having garbage thrown at me from a passing vehicle. Fucking tossers. The second day was worse, when a guy stalked me in his car, circling me and pulling in to parking spaces to shout and whistle at me. He drove up and back a few times, as he was optimistic/persistent/scary/forceful/threatening. I didn't even acknowledge his presence, and the third time he tried to turn his car around to give it another go, I ducked down two parallel streets just to avoid him, knowing full well that if he found me again, this time it ...

A guest post by @joedonbaker I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts. Remember, kids, this guy will cut you. *He submitted this to me 12/8/13, so I'm pretty terrible at posting things quick enough to keep them current. Alternative for Amazon Prime Air I love Amazon Prime. For just pennies a day, I can have things delivered right to my door in two days. For a few bucks per item, I can have things sent OVERNIGHT. I could have this amazing multi-speed blue vibrating anal plug at my doorstop TOMORROW. The future truly is now. Amazon is a pretty ambitious company. They now sell consumer electronics at competitive prices. Of course their hope is that you’ll sign up for Prime and dive balls deep into their ‘ecosystem.’ Amazon is currently trying to solve their biggest demand: Same day delivery, because I just have to have that vibrating anal plug RIGHT NOW. Shipping companies like UPS and FEDEX just aren’t...

A guest post by JustMug I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts.  The following is a guest piece submitted by the talented, lovely and charismatic  @JustMug . Enjoy! ...a time to dance Mom passed away in September that year. She ultimately lost a long, painful battle against cancer. The mind was willing, but the body was not. In the weeks leading up to her death, she continued to remind our family and friends to have faith, and not be sad. She believed in something greater. Like the caterpillar that transforms into butterfly, she was ready for the next stage of her journey. As a woman of faith, my mom was brave for us when we were most afraid. She accepted death gracefully and even planned her entire memorial service down to the last detail. She refused to call it a funeral, because she wanted us to celebrate her life, not her death. Mom chose one of her favorite bible passages from Ecclesiastes ...

Harder than a boner. Remember when you were in your twenties and dating was hard because you had a huge list of non-negotiables? You had so many expectations and hope and dreams because THIS WAS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! It was before you had a mortgage, when you could miss a day because your other job of selling drugs would cover it anyway, when drinking wasn't just a coping mechanism, right? You wanted a man who could keep up with you, make your mother livid and make you feel alive. You were vibrant, skinny, cute and ready to take on the world! You had tons of friends, too. You were living life to the fullest! Let's take a look at the progression, shall we? This was my list of dating requirements at 18 in no particular order: he must love dogs has to make me laugh must have a job doesn't want kids doesn't live with parents doesn't know what D&D is has to have own car must love my music not a smoker must be attractive That list kept you from gett...

I get a lot of questions because I'm branded as a straight-shooter with no filters (this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to). Considering that many people don't feel that they can ask questions because maybe it's a taboo subject, or just simply none of their business, we fail to learn as much as we can about the human condition. I'm going to post some of the less boring questions I've been asked. Q: If you were trapped in an elevator for days with a woman who had given birth recently, would you suckle from her to avoid dehydration?? A: Um, hell yes? Do it for the story. You can tell everyone later she was hot, they'll never be the wiser. And I hear breast milk is sweet and full of vitamins. Unlike those vicious rumors going around about sperm. THOSE AREN'T NUTRITIOUS PROTEINS; STOP BELIEVING HIS LIES! Q: What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your vagina? A: ...A dick? Seriously, look at a dick. It's...

Revenge Fuck You, Patty Everyone asks themselves, "How did I get here?" Well, we are all assholes. Selfish, selfish assholes. We've avenged our bruised egos against ex-boyfriends, ex-bffs, and that merchandiser who wouldn't return our calls but went out with Patty, who had a pretty face, but a really uggo name. Seriously, "Patty"? Why didn't you just name your daughter "mound of meat" instead? But I digress... Have you ever had that lull in conversation that preceded the infamous query "What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone and got away with?" Let's just pretend that this happens and it's not the line people drop on me to weed me out as a potential stalker. If you answer something like, "I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped with Nana's bootie," I'll assume that living in her basement at age 32 is punishment enough. What's the best revenge I ever got away with? Well, to be c...