Day 3

1:30am

It's day three of losing internet connection...I've gotten so desperate for WiFi that I find myself waking up in the middle of the night laying in the college library parking lot clutching my iPad. Three days! It's so cold...so cold. I collect shoes, couch cushions, whatever trash I can find to keep a fire going. It won't be long until we all turn on each other out here. I've sharpened an old toothbrush I found into a shank. I must protect my WiFi at all costs.

2:00am

I found a couple unbroken beer bottles not far away. I'll have to use them to store my urine if I'm going to have anything to drink. Already the natives have been circling me, testing my reflexes and perimeter boundaries. I stabbed one in the face but he got away and now I'll have to fashion a new weapon. I'm running low on supplies though. Even as I type this I'm eye-scanning the area and I see a hubcap, a rubber trash can, some broken glass, and what looks like a Wendy's drive-thru bag. I'm going to have to venture outside the perimeter to find better parts.

3:00am

I've seemed to have lost some time...it's still very dark out here and the trail of Tic Tacs I left are missing. I was able to fashion a crude mace out of a broom handle and a can of green beans that I covered in gum and rolled in the broken glass. Now I sit and wait...and watch Netflix and answer e-mails.

4:00am

It's gotten noisy; I can hear those savages rummaging about in the adjacent alleyways. I have to stay sharp if I'm going to protect the precious signal. Google, don't fail me now! I need to find a video of animal behavior regarding the territorial sentries.

4:45am

I've done my research and I think that a tough defense is a thick one, so I've decided to take on the territorial traits of several animals. I can't mark my territory with urine, so I'll have to use my scent glands, instead. I'll just rub my armpits about the area. I've been practicing my hissing and howling and I think it's working.

6:00am

I'm starting to get hungry and my attempts at ordering Dominoes are failing. My battery is getting low and soon I'll have to leave here for sustenance for both myself and my electronic companions. I must set up booby-traps to protect the den. I will return here soon and report my progress.

Gingers vs. Albinos

Let's run a little comparison between the two scariest types of humanoids, shall we? " Albinism is associated with a number of vision defects, such as photophobia, nystagmus and astigmatism. Lack of skin pigmentation makes the organism more susceptible to sunburn and skin cancers." (Wikipedia) "A human, characterized by pale skin, freckles and bright red hair. " Gingers " are generally considered to be inferior to their more melanin-rich brethren, and thus deservingly discriminated against. Gingers are thought to have no souls. The condition, " gingervitis " is genetic and incurable." (Urban Dictionary) Fact #1: Albinism is found outside the human species. In fact, albino animals are worth more to collectors; they are considered " rare " and " valuable ". Gingervitis is not found outside the human species. They are neither rare, nor valuable. Fact #2: "At least 53 albinos have been killed since 2007 in...

Sites Worth Browsing

Unusual Taxidermy Totally awesome expensive things that would look great in my menagerie. I need to start playing the lotto. Seriously though, I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a raise at work. Talk amongst yourselves... Dead Celebs I usually just assume that if they're old, they're dead. Now I can check my facts and still argue that Bill Cosby is dead. Overheard in NY Here are some examples: Chick to friend : I've been really committed to learning about Jesus lately. Can you believe how crazy it is that Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights? I mean, like, no food or water for that long? Crazy! I mean, I never even realized how crazy it was until I saw David Blaine do it. --R Train Dreaded hobo, evangelizing : You gotta be able to suck dick to accept the love of Jesus Christ! --40th St & Madison Ave Fat Christian evangelist to another : Jesus had the computer technology to manipulate the atoms of water. That...

I woke up to a text from my friend Mug. I got up, peed, then called her. I could hear in her voice she was an emotional wreck. I listened and tried to console her and when I got off the phone, I felt pretty okay. But later that evening, my true feelings found a way out through alcohol. Kim was always a whirlwind. She thrived on drama. She rescued dogs from cruel owners, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and she drank like she had a vendetta on her liver. I loved her like she was family. And she totally broke my heart. I met Kim on Twitter in 2012. It was a volatile year for me. My dad died in May and I lost my job in August. I used Twitter as an escape into a male character I created: IdaClayer. Kim was PuddingBoobs, a funny account with a cute donkey avatar. We hit it off right away and I was reluctant to tell her I wasn't a dude. I felt like I had been tricking her into imagining me as a funny, flirty guy, but she thought it was awesome that a woman ran that account. We k...

No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

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