No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

A few years ago, in an attempt to be more active while also leaving my house (I lived in a particularly toxic and volatile situation), I decided to walk a couple miles in my neighborhood every day. This was short-lived, not because I was lazy, unmotivated or because I lost interest, this was because I was consistently harassed while simply keeping to myself and walking through the main drag of town. The first day was the least scary, since I only had to endure having garbage thrown at me from a passing vehicle. Fucking tossers. The second day was worse, when a guy stalked me in his car, circling me and pulling in to parking spaces to shout and whistle at me. He drove up and back a few times, as he was optimistic/persistent/scary/forceful/threatening. I didn't even acknowledge his presence, and the third time he tried to turn his car around to give it another go, I ducked down two parallel streets just to avoid him, knowing full well that if he found me again, this time it ...

A guest post by @joedonbaker I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts. Remember, kids, this guy will cut you. *He submitted this to me 12/8/13, so I'm pretty terrible at posting things quick enough to keep them current. Alternative for Amazon Prime Air I love Amazon Prime. For just pennies a day, I can have things delivered right to my door in two days. For a few bucks per item, I can have things sent OVERNIGHT. I could have this amazing multi-speed blue vibrating anal plug at my doorstop TOMORROW. The future truly is now. Amazon is a pretty ambitious company. They now sell consumer electronics at competitive prices. Of course their hope is that you’ll sign up for Prime and dive balls deep into their ‘ecosystem.’ Amazon is currently trying to solve their biggest demand: Same day delivery, because I just have to have that vibrating anal plug RIGHT NOW. Shipping companies like UPS and FEDEX just aren’t...

A guest post by JustMug I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts.  The following is a guest piece submitted by the talented, lovely and charismatic  @JustMug . Enjoy! ...a time to dance Mom passed away in September that year. She ultimately lost a long, painful battle against cancer. The mind was willing, but the body was not. In the weeks leading up to her death, she continued to remind our family and friends to have faith, and not be sad. She believed in something greater. Like the caterpillar that transforms into butterfly, she was ready for the next stage of her journey. As a woman of faith, my mom was brave for us when we were most afraid. She accepted death gracefully and even planned her entire memorial service down to the last detail. She refused to call it a funeral, because she wanted us to celebrate her life, not her death. Mom chose one of her favorite bible passages from Ecclesiastes ...

Harder than a boner. Remember when you were in your twenties and dating was hard because you had a huge list of non-negotiables? You had so many expectations and hope and dreams because THIS WAS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! It was before you had a mortgage, when you could miss a day because your other job of selling drugs would cover it anyway, when drinking wasn't just a coping mechanism, right? You wanted a man who could keep up with you, make your mother livid and make you feel alive. You were vibrant, skinny, cute and ready to take on the world! You had tons of friends, too. You were living life to the fullest! Let's take a look at the progression, shall we? This was my list of dating requirements at 18 in no particular order: he must love dogs has to make me laugh must have a job doesn't want kids doesn't live with parents doesn't know what D&D is has to have own car must love my music not a smoker must be attractive That list kept you from gett...

I get a lot of questions because I'm branded as a straight-shooter with no filters (this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to). Considering that many people don't feel that they can ask questions because maybe it's a taboo subject, or just simply none of their business, we fail to learn as much as we can about the human condition. I'm going to post some of the less boring questions I've been asked. Q: If you were trapped in an elevator for days with a woman who had given birth recently, would you suckle from her to avoid dehydration?? A: Um, hell yes? Do it for the story. You can tell everyone later she was hot, they'll never be the wiser. And I hear breast milk is sweet and full of vitamins. Unlike those vicious rumors going around about sperm. THOSE AREN'T NUTRITIOUS PROTEINS; STOP BELIEVING HIS LIES! Q: What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your vagina? A: ...A dick? Seriously, look at a dick. It's...

Revenge Fuck You, Patty Everyone asks themselves, "How did I get here?" Well, we are all assholes. Selfish, selfish assholes. We've avenged our bruised egos against ex-boyfriends, ex-bffs, and that merchandiser who wouldn't return our calls but went out with Patty, who had a pretty face, but a really uggo name. Seriously, "Patty"? Why didn't you just name your daughter "mound of meat" instead? But I digress... Have you ever had that lull in conversation that preceded the infamous query "What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone and got away with?" Let's just pretend that this happens and it's not the line people drop on me to weed me out as a potential stalker. If you answer something like, "I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped with Nana's bootie," I'll assume that living in her basement at age 32 is punishment enough. What's the best revenge I ever got away with? Well, to be c...

The Fear Sets In... At some point in your life, if you're like me, you'll find yourself single and bored. Most of your friends are married by now and some of them have kids. The rest of your friends are busy with work or buying a home or still appealing that court conviction, I don't know. Who can keep up? The point is, when you find yourself in that situation, your options are super limited. You work with old guys, married guys, and too young guys. And who the fuck wants to go out alone? What if some weirdo approaches me at the bar? I barely have enough roofies for myself, thank you. Eventually you give in (or up, not sure) and try online dating. After all, it IS free, right? And you get to screen your suitors! Win-win, bitches, amirite? Well... not exactly. I feel like it is incumbent upon me to share my ups (there weren't any) and downs with my experiences. I sifted through the crazy so you didn't have to. Men Think they are God's Gift to Me (Misogyny...