No, seriously, you probably shouldn't read this.

A guest post by @joedonbaker I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts. Remember, kids, this guy will cut you. *He submitted this to me 12/8/13, so I'm pretty terrible at posting things quick enough to keep them current. Alternative for Amazon Prime Air I love Amazon Prime. For just pennies a day, I can have things delivered right to my door in two days. For a few bucks per item, I can have things sent OVERNIGHT. I could have this amazing multi-speed blue vibrating anal plug at my doorstop TOMORROW. The future truly is now. Amazon is a pretty ambitious company. They now sell consumer electronics at competitive prices. Of course their hope is that you’ll sign up for Prime and dive balls deep into their ‘ecosystem.’ Amazon is currently trying to solve their biggest demand: Same day delivery, because I just have to have that vibrating anal plug RIGHT NOW. Shipping companies like UPS and FEDEX just aren’t...

A guest post by JustMug I'm going to change it up by featuring some fellow authors from the Twittersphere for the next few posts.  The following is a guest piece submitted by the talented, lovely and charismatic  @JustMug . Enjoy! ...a time to dance Mom passed away in September that year. She ultimately lost a long, painful battle against cancer. The mind was willing, but the body was not. In the weeks leading up to her death, she continued to remind our family and friends to have faith, and not be sad. She believed in something greater. Like the caterpillar that transforms into butterfly, she was ready for the next stage of her journey. As a woman of faith, my mom was brave for us when we were most afraid. She accepted death gracefully and even planned her entire memorial service down to the last detail. She refused to call it a funeral, because she wanted us to celebrate her life, not her death. Mom chose one of her favorite bible passages from Ecclesiastes ...

Harder than a boner. Remember when you were in your twenties and dating was hard because you had a huge list of non-negotiables? You had so many expectations and hope and dreams because THIS WAS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! It was before you had a mortgage, when you could miss a day because your other job of selling drugs would cover it anyway, when drinking wasn't just a coping mechanism, right? You wanted a man who could keep up with you, make your mother livid and make you feel alive. You were vibrant, skinny, cute and ready to take on the world! You had tons of friends, too. You were living life to the fullest! Let's take a look at the progression, shall we? This was my list of dating requirements at 18 in no particular order: he must love dogs has to make me laugh must have a job doesn't want kids doesn't live with parents doesn't know what D&D is has to have own car must love my music not a smoker must be attractive That list kept you from gett...

I get a lot of questions because I'm branded as a straight-shooter with no filters (this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to). Considering that many people don't feel that they can ask questions because maybe it's a taboo subject, or just simply none of their business, we fail to learn as much as we can about the human condition. I'm going to post some of the less boring questions I've been asked. Q: If you were trapped in an elevator for days with a woman who had given birth recently, would you suckle from her to avoid dehydration?? A: Um, hell yes? Do it for the story. You can tell everyone later she was hot, they'll never be the wiser. And I hear breast milk is sweet and full of vitamins. Unlike those vicious rumors going around about sperm. THOSE AREN'T NUTRITIOUS PROTEINS; STOP BELIEVING HIS LIES! Q: What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your vagina? A: ...A dick? Seriously, look at a dick. It's...

Revenge Fuck You, Patty Everyone asks themselves, "How did I get here?" Well, we are all assholes. Selfish, selfish assholes. We've avenged our bruised egos against ex-boyfriends, ex-bffs, and that merchandiser who wouldn't return our calls but went out with Patty, who had a pretty face, but a really uggo name. Seriously, "Patty"? Why didn't you just name your daughter "mound of meat" instead? But I digress... Have you ever had that lull in conversation that preceded the infamous query "What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone and got away with?" Let's just pretend that this happens and it's not the line people drop on me to weed me out as a potential stalker. If you answer something like, "I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped with Nana's bootie," I'll assume that living in her basement at age 32 is punishment enough. What's the best revenge I ever got away with? Well, to be c...

The Fear Sets In... At some point in your life, if you're like me, you'll find yourself single and bored. Most of your friends are married by now and some of them have kids. The rest of your friends are busy with work or buying a home or still appealing that court conviction, I don't know. Who can keep up? The point is, when you find yourself in that situation, your options are super limited. You work with old guys, married guys, and too young guys. And who the fuck wants to go out alone? What if some weirdo approaches me at the bar? I barely have enough roofies for myself, thank you. Eventually you give in (or up, not sure) and try online dating. After all, it IS free, right? And you get to screen your suitors! Win-win, bitches, amirite? Well... not exactly. I feel like it is incumbent upon me to share my ups (there weren't any) and downs with my experiences. I sifted through the crazy so you didn't have to. Men Think they are God's Gift to Me (Misogyny...

An Homage to Roby Fusspucker * *For the sake of the anonymity of the parties involved, all names have been changed to protect the innocent. It was 08:15 on a damp, quiet night on a Wednesday, last October... Roby Fusspucker had set off in his 1998 Buick Regal to join some friends for a lighthearted dinner and drinks at his neighborhood Chili's . Little did he know that this would be a night he would look back on in infamy. Roby met his friends Marsha Knubbrubber and Craig Slischt, two friends he'd known since business school and met frequently at American franchise restaurants. When it came time to order, Roby chose from the beer list a drink popular with housewives, Stella Artois. "May I see your ID?" the waiter asked. His name was Paul Wienerpluhg and he'd been working double shifts for three days in a row. "Sure," says Roby and he slides his ID out of his duct tape material wallet before gingerly handing it to Paul. Paul looks at the ID and...